Seriously, missing a bunch of really old posts and several posts from last fall marked private.
No clue as to what happened. Database crash?

One of these days I’ll have to dig into the guts of WordPress.

Knowing I must do something that I feel uncomfortable doing produces a palpable tension.
I become short of breath, weak, my legs ache. I get lightheaded, nauseous, and cold.
My limbs become heavy and my jaw clenches.

Fear becomes physical.
Fortunately I don’t experience those symptoms all the time. Some people do.

So how does one overcome the fear and accomplish change?
There is no other solution to the resistance put up by your parasympathetic systems than a cliche. Feel the fear, do it anyway.

Realize that, while your fear is valid, your fear is probably unwarranted.
The vast majority of activities that incite fear WILL NOT result in your death or even injury.
No, you can’t die of embarrassment.

Feel the fear and do it anyway everyday.
The more often you push past the resistance the easier it becomes.
Eventually the fear may go away.
Eventually you may actually look forward to those things that you used to dread.
I hope…

 
 
This morning, for example, I went to the coffee shop determined to have tea and fruit.

 
About a minute after ordering my mocha and croissant I realized my failure.
I was angry with myself briefly, then upset.

 
If I couldn’t manage a simple snack change, how was I going to make any significant life changes?
Fortunately, the answer is simple, be aware of what I am doing.

 
The term “mindfulness” is often used to describe the phenomenon of being aware. I find it easier to remember to pay attention.

 
Sounds like a simple thing.
Pay attention your thoughts and actions. Be aware of what you’re doing.
Try doing it for a few minutes, you’ll see it’s more difficult than it seems.

 
Humans tend to be creatures of habit and repetition.
Once we’ve become accustomed to a task, we cease to concentrate on it.
We perform the necessary actions by rote.
We tie our shoes, drive our cars, make our coffee all without really thinking about how we do these things.

 
To change our habits we need to be aware of them.
Pay attention to what you’re ordering for lunch.
Be aware that you’re taking the escalator instead of the stairs.
Realize that you’re sitting watching TV when you could be walking on the treadmill.

 
I don’t expect to “Be Aware” all the time from now on,
but I will be more aware than I am now.
 
Most worthwhile lasting change isn’t accomplished in one action, but in the aggregate of many. To steal a line from Carl Sagan’s Contact,  
“Small moves, Ellie. Small moves”.

I suppose of the great “truths” this one should be the most self-evident.

Yet I often find myself having this re-epiphany.
I am surprised when things today aren’t the same as they were last year.
Maybe this is an affect of aging, of becoming “set in my ways” – a signal of thought atrophy.

Over the years I have become adept at handling catastrophic change.
Deaths, disasters, and other emergencies real and imagined.
Slow change haunts me.

There are a few coffee shops where I used to hang out.
Chatting with the staff, regular customers, and just sitting working or reading.
Over time the staff changes, the customers change, even the furniture changes – and I “suddenly” find myself in a zone of discomfort.

I shouldn’t be surprised. After all things change.
I feel guilty longing for what was.
When did I become someone longing for the “good old days” that never existed?

Why am I discomforted?
Is it thought atrophy? Have I lost the ability to adapt?
Is it fear? Is the unknown a rush into peril?
{Rhetorical questions will get you everywhere, except to an answer.}

I have become comfortable.
That’s not a good thing.
Don’t be fooled by the warm and fuzzy connotations the word “comfort” brings up.
Comfortable is just another way of saying complacent, inert, or stagnant.
I don’t wan’t to be stagnant, do you?

No? Then get uncomfortable.
Do something today that you don’t do.
Do you normally drink coffee? Have some tea.
Do you eat sitting down? Eat standing.
Do you watch TV for entertainment? Play a game or listen to the radio.

Change doesn’t have to be big or all at once, but it has to be.
If you don’t change, if you don’t grow – you stagnate.

To be clear, synonyms of stagnant – dormant, lifeless, dead, inert.

Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in a RomCom directed by Ivan Reitman.

Watch the last 20 minutes, get the entire plot and all the RomCom feel good while saving an hour and a half of your life for better things.

My – ahem, cough – liberal/progressive friends acost me and say “We have to end war now!”, and make other similar demands for the global reformation of humanity. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere.

“Where does this end?” 
It doesn’t. 

We cannot end war, crime, greed, cruelty, etc.
To believe otherwise is to ignore either evolution or our creation.

If you believe in God, you have to believe the religious histories that tells us acts of human evil have been committed since Adam’s first lie to God about the fruit. Murder has been with us since at least Cain, if not earlier.

If you do not believe in God, the anthropological records show human crimes against their brethren going back millennia.
Biologically the instinct for survival and drive to commit aggressive or violent acts is seated in the very earliest – evolutionarily speaking – part of our brains.

To be blunt – humans are programmed to commit atrocities in the name of self-preservation. Humanity is basically evil when described from the aspirational mindset of peace, love and harmony. Admittedly, many acts are perpetrated out of motives not directly connected to survival, but the fact remains – the capacity is a biological default not an aberration.

The more developed parts of our brain allow us to control (usually) acting on these baser impulses, but the impulses are still there, and not going away.

I will admit that there are individuals who are capable of denying these basic impulses even if it leads to their death. I’m not one of them, and – if you’re honest with yourself – you probably aren’t either. I would kill an attacker to survive. I would kill an attacker to protect those I love.

Issuing a blanket edict to end war, crime, or other entrenched behaviors is no less non-sensical than telling people we shouldn’t defecate because we’re polluting the environment. It runs counter to both biologically programmed behaviors and environmentally learned behaviors.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t act to minimize these harmful activities, I’m saying trying solve a problem by expecting an irrational outcome will get you nowhere.

• Tickets – Pricing was $10 for general admission and $100 for the VIP tent which promised additional amenities such as tickets to the Whiskey Row for sampling. Not an unreasonable sum, except – a few days before the event they offered a Groupon for the same tickets at 50% off. So instead of rewarding the people who were committed to attending, they undercut the value of our tickets pandering to last minute purchasers who were thinking “Oh, it’s cheaper than a movie, let’s go.”
• Crowds –  Either the organizers failed to plan for the crowds or purposely oversold the event. (Given the Groupon, I’m inclined to believe the latter.) The massive crowding led to two other problems:
  • Parking – Simply a nightmare. If you were fortunate you found parking near a trolley stop. If not, you were walking. It was a nice day, so walking isn’t so bad – unless you’ve got a disability which interferes with walking. In that case you were SOL.
  • Food – The food was good – or so I’m told. By 2:15p there were only three or so booths in operation. Everyone else had run out of food. Why would you plan an event for 10,000+ people from 10AM to 5PM and run out of food around 2p?(See crowds above)
• Insult to Injury – the “VIP” tent didn’t seem to offer any respite. Teeny servings in condiment sized plastic cups. Apparently no free beverages as promoted and no tickets to Whisky Row as promoted.

So what did I pay $100 for?
Sorry, what did I overpay by $50 for?

No parking, no food (outside), small food (inside), no beverages, and no Whisky.

Would that Joy should cease that I might not recognize the outlines of Despair.

You are loved and always will be.
You will always be fed, clothed, sheltered and cared for.
You will always have supporters and defenders.

You have family and are obligated.

You are obligated to care for yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
You are obligated to guide the young by word and deed.
You are obligated to provide comfort and respite for your elders.

You are never alone, reach out to your family.
Never let anyone be alone, reach out and be their family.

Its moods often seem to reflect the turmoil that resides in me. At various times Liberty may be bursting with joy – friends and families enjoying a delicious repast in good company. Other times the dining room may be cavernous and empty, echoing a melancholy longing for the cacophony of life being lived.

This morning both the restaurant and my mood are on the cuff. The room is lightly filled with rise and fall of conversation, punctuated by the occasional burst of laughter and underscored by abrupt doldrums of silence.

Likewise, my mind keeps spewing forth a miasma of sounds and images of recent events in the context of my life overall – then falls silent as it sits, stunned and overwhelmed.

I cannot process it all at once. I’ll be fortunate to parse it into manageable bits – then I’ll be fortunate to process any bit of it.

My Aunt passed away this past Sunday. She is only the third close family member I’ve had die on me. The realization that – at age 42 – the number of loved ones I’m going to lose is only going to continue to increase is giving me trouble. It should not be a surprise – as it is part of the natural order of life – yet I find myself internally resistant to accepting this most basic of truths. I find the prospect of my loved ones leaving me as simply unacceptable.

I also find my acceptance of the fact that I am powerless to prevent that most certain eventuality to be incomplete at best, indeed I am actively engaged in denial and suppression of the idea. Apparently I’m still a toddler – if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t really exist, right?

The funeral service tomorrow is being held in the same chapel where my Aunt and Uncle were married more than 30 years ago. I was a groomsman at that wedding. It somehow seems appropriate that I say goodbye to my Aunt in the same venue where she first became part of my family.

I cannot fathom how my Uncle is coping having just lost his mate, companion and best friend of more than three decades. I’ve tried to imagine my reaction to losing my wife of 22 years and all I can say is “that way lies madness.” What does one say to the surviving spouse? “I’m sorry for your loss?”

I suppose it’s true, but does it ring as trite and useless in their ears as it does in mine?

Nothing I can say can begin to express the depth of sadness I feel for my Uncle at his loss, and nothing I say can hope to lessen the grief he is experiencing.

The advice I have received boils down to “just be there for him.” I cannot judge the efficacy of this course of action, but it costs me nothing to “be there” and so I shall. Perhaps because it does not seem an extraordinary thing to “be there” I have devalued it’s worth. Still – it feels wholly inadequate.

Tomorrow I shall participate in the ritual and make a public display of my remorse at my Aunt’s passing and of support for the family. And while my remorse and support are genuine, the display somehow feels false. In an oddly contradictory thought, I hope the turnout at the service is good. I don’t doubt that there are many whose lives she touched who want to be there, I just worry that the suddenness of her passing and the mid-week service may diminish the number of mourners.

Of all the thoughts flowing through my mind, one stands out: I am thankful for the people in my life, and pray that they all stay healthy and vibrant long enough for me to tire of them