Beginning of Day Three.
The stress has definitely gotten to me. My mind is filled with intrusions from the greater part of life.
My mind is particularly nasty.
It constantly brings to the forefront not just the things I worry about, but most often precisely those things over which I have no control.
I think Ginger’s passing may have triggered more deep seated issues.
I try to be “Zen” about the issues – I realize I have no control and try to let go.
Not working so much. I worry, because it’s part of who I am.
I realize I cannot control the emotions and actions of others.
I can try to influence, but in the end I have to realize that they will do as they will.
I suppose the best I can do is simply prepare for the inevitable phrases:
“I didn’t mean to hurt you…”, “It’s me not you…”, or whatever.
I suppose I could rationalize away some of my worry by accepting that I cannot predict the future.
The problem is – I can.
No, I’m not clairvoyant.
We can all predict the future in small ways. Most often with human behavior.
Why? Because we have seen it all our lives.
We’ve seen how certain patterns of behavior lead to others.
We often know what someone is going to do before they do themselves.
Why? Because they are caught up in the moment of the doing, they aren’t observing themselves or the effect of their actions on the world around them.
Predictions become more accurate the better you know someone.
You’ve encountered this with friends and family members.
Sometimes you know exactly what they are going to say before they say it.
Sometimes you’ll finish each others sentences. And so on.
Sometimes you’ll know their hates and loves before they admit to them.
It’s telegraphed in body language, vocal inflections, speech patterns…etc.
Patterns of behavior can lead to long term predictions.
I’m not really sure how to best describe this phenomenon.
For example, someone starts to complain about their job.
Sometime later they stop working on work at home, then they start showing up late to work, then taking “mental health” days – and eventually they are either going to quit or get fired. Either way the path to leaving that job was setup and traveled over this course of weeks or months. During this time the individual would affirm their commitment to their job, not admitting that they want out.
As an observer though, you knew where they were heading a long time ago.
They same holds true for any endeavor – especially interpersonal relationships.
Often times you can tell where someone is headed in a relationship long before they admit it to themselves.
Many people have experienced the loss of their SO in bits and pieces, rather than all at once.
That slow reduction in intimacy, the gradual distance in interactions, the casual neglect given to the needs of the relationship, the exhibition of NRE.
Then one day, it’s just gone.
Sometimes the body is still there, but the emotions are somewhere else.
And the worst part, to me anyway, is that you can see it coming.
It’s like having your foot caught in the middle of a railroad track.
You’re stuck, you can see the train coming for miles.
You jump, shout and wave your arms, but you know that you’re too small for it to notice.
You know that the pain is inevitable, the death is coming.
BUT, you have a choice – you don’t have to wait for the train to hit you, you can take action!
All you have to do is sever your leg, and the rest of you is free.
Sure, you’ll be maimed for life – but you’ll be alive.
You know others have done it, should you?
Change is inevitable, one way or another – can you deal?
It’s comforting to know that one can always opt out. Completely.