Category Archives: Personal Ruminations

The usual self-indulgent ramblings on whatever may be weighing on my mind.

Daily Thoughts 20180617 – Father’s Day

So it’s Father’s Day. My daughter called and wished me a happy day.

I appreciated the sentiment, but as I reflect on why I should have a happy day I was seized by an all too typical melancholy.
I, of course, ruminated on it.

I get irritated that our kids should feel obligated to express their gratitude to those of us who have committed ourselves to their upbringing.
I really don’t need gifts.

It’s great to be appreciated, but as a Father I’d rather you express that appreciation through your actions in the world.
Show me that I didn’t screw you up horribly – a secret fear I think most parents share.

Be successful, and by successful I mean happy.
Your happiness (success as a whole well rounded independent individual) brings me more gratification than
any gift you could give me.

On the flip side of that melancholy is the persistent knowledge that I’ve failed my Father.
That I have squandered the time, effort, and money he put into raising me.
That I have failed to live up to his expectations, and failed miserably.
Alas, my father passed a couple of years ago and I never got up the courage to ask him before we were parted – so I shall never know.

The Cost of Freedom

Recently I’ve been seeing a lot of this quote:

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants” – Thomas Jefferson.

It has been suggested that this is to be understood as a call to arms against an unjust government. That would be an incorrect interpretation.
The quote is out of context. Try reading the full quote:

“God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion.

The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive.

If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty. …
And what country can preserve its liberties, if it’s rulers are not warned from time to time, that this people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms.

The remedy is to set them right as to the facts, pardon and pacify them.

What signify a few lives lost in a century or two?
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
It is its natural manure.”

– Thomas Jefferson, November 13, 1787, letter to William S. Smith, quoted in Padover’s Jefferson On Democracy, ed., 1939

The emphasis is mine. This is my take on the above quote, and what it means in the context of the changes going on in our country.

It is the solemn and patriotic duty of every American Citizen to loudly protest against any government action they do not understand.
It is the solemn and patriotic duty of every American Leader to engage with equal fervor and EXPLAIN COMPLETELY to the people the action being taken.
It is the solemn and patriotic duty of every American Citizen and American Leader to engage in this debate.

It does not matter that the communication of this information may take time, or expense, or that some people will never understand it.
It does not matter that the U.S. population is 100x greater now than when Jefferson wrote his words in 1787.

The people have a duty to protest, the leaders have a duty to explain.
If the current leaders are mystified at the reason behind the vociferous opposition to Health Care Reform, it is because they have done a PISS POOR JOB OF EXPLAINING IT!!

Barney Frank lashed out at a citizen during a town hall meeting recently because he believed her to be a nutball. I believe her to be confused.
The debate about health care reform is not going to be solved through ad homenim attacks on the proponents or opponents.

The questions remain:
Why do we – the whole country, not just the uninsured – need health care reform?
If health care reform is needed, why is THIS the best way to do it for the whole country?

Can ANYONE point me to a link where these questions are answered succinctly and completely?

Near hits?

So I had the pleasure of a break failure earlier today. Very nearly slammed into the rear of another car at an intersection.

It’s interesting what goes through your mind at moments like that.
Mostly “OH F**K!!”

Anyway, I survived, the sidewalk survived, and the truck is in the shop costing me just under $1800 to fix.

The adrenaline rush got rid of my headache for awhile. It’s back now.
Off to the ankle surgeon!

No tendon tear in ankle so no surgery for now. Looking at something called PRP, involving a plasma injection. IDK

Must do research.

Response to Lavender Liberal Follow-Up

Response to Lavender Liberal’s Follow-Up


I understand your concern about Kostric because you researched his background.

But I’m still amazed at the amount of fear one guy with a sign and a gun can create, by just having a sign and a gun!
I suppose it’s simply a difference in where you live and what you’ve learned constitutes a threat.

The presence of people carrying guns (both concealed and in the open) was a common experience for me. You couldn’t distinguish a threat by the mere presence of a gun.
You had to look to their behaviour. Was it suspicious, outrageous, or in line with the situation?

To me, Kostric – holding his sign, carrying his gun, standing where he was told, not shouting epithets – was participating in the process.
Out in the open where he can be tagged and cataloged. In my experience, the people you have to worry about aren’t the people on the radar, it’s the people off.

So Kostric and his ilk are not a “threat”, but a mere concern to be watched.
The problem with watching for people that appear to be the next Timothy McVeigh is that the people who actually are the next McVeigh don’t look like it.

The threat isn’t the coyote standing in front of you, it’s the scorpion behind you.
If we spend too much time and energy giving power to the “nutters” like Kostric, we’ll miss the real threats when they come
crawling out from under the rock.

Perhaps you’re right and we don’t have anything to discuss, because Kostric’s actions don’t generate the same concern in me that they do in you.
And that’s the problem with any discussion, you have to find a common root to start from.

Our country is so diverse and yet so homogenized. It gives the appearance of a baseline unity based on shared experiences, but in reality that baseline is pretty thin.

Mindfulness: Of vs. In

Being Mindful In your actions means to focus your being on the task at hand, whether writing a quick note, arranging flowers, or doing your taxes.
It is a form of meditation in that you attend to just one thing at a time.
Rather like a body breathing meditation session.

Whereas being Mindful Of your actions is both pre- and -post being Mindful In your actions.

Here’s what I mean:
Mindfulness In assumes that the action your are engaged in is the correct action, that it fulfills your intent.
Mindfulness Of attempts to ensure that the action undertaken will or has fulfilled your intent.

For example, Lunch –

Mindfulness in ensures you don’t eat too fast, chew your food completely, savor each bite.
Mindfulness of causes you to turn right out of the post office toward Pita Jungle rather than left toward Jack in the Box.

Mindfulness Of alerts your awareness that although you thoroughly enjoyed your meal, the Ultimate Cheeseburger and egg rolls weren’t exactly what you intended to eat and to be more mindful in your driving next time you’re running errands.

I desperately need to be more Mindful Of and In my actions…or at least I gather from the Bacon Cheeseburger and Fries I just ate.

Day Four?: Aftermath

Woke up @ 5:15a this morning incredibly depressed, due in no small part to the massive migraine which caused the rising sun to split my head wide open exposing my brain matter to the open air.

This in turn led to a ritual genuflection at the feet of the Porcelain God.
As I lost my self in the religious ecstasy of mandatory prayer, I considered how I had come to this place. Both in a specific literal sense, and on a more ephemeral cosmic level. This just made my head hurt more, but being a sadist I tortured the poor soul already bent in obeisance to excretory demons and continued the thought.

My immediate situation was readily solvable. Unsupportive bed, over indulgence in wine, lack of appropriate hydration, and a genetic propensity for migraines.

Which led me to Part 2 §42.1(a)
[Sorry, still suffering aftershock from the bar exam].
My genetics, and with that my conditioning.
The whole Nature vs. Nurture debate started playing out in my head.

Surprisingly, like Occam’s Razor to a Gordian Knot – a voice whispered simply: Template.

Meaning thus:
Each of us is born into this world partially pre-determined. We are to a great extent limited by our genetic inheritance. Notwithstanding modifications due to modern science – If you are born with short genes you will be limited to life activities not requiring height, conversely if you are born with tall genes you will be excluded from most carnival rides.

However, while some characteristics of who we are are fixed at birth, the vast majority of characteristics pertinent to modern life are acquired through our programming as applied to our genetic template.

For example, let’s say you are born with heightened dexterity – you may be able to do a wide variety of things requiring heightened dexterity: Surgeon, laparoscopy operator, juggler, gem cutter, pickpocket, etc.

What you end up doing and who you are is largely programmed by your family, your culture, your geography, and your other genetic traits.

I’ll use myself as a specific example.

I was born with relatively tall genes (6’4″), a medium-large frame, naturally good eye-hand coordination, exceptionally strong calves and thighs, high proportion of fast-twitch muscle fiber with excellent recovery time. These genetic feature could have led me into any number of athletic pursuits Tennis, Baseball, Football, Cycling, Running, etc.

However, I was also born with Asthma. This in and of itself does not preclude those athletic pursuits. How the condition is managed and the attitude programmed toward it is what determines the likelihood of pursuing those endeavors.

In my case, I was treated by very good – but very cautious doctors. I had the support of a mother who had seen how bad my Asthma attacks were, and spent her time very concerned that I would over exert myself and collapse. Her fears were not unfounded, when I was a child there were other children in my area who had died because of severe Asthma attacks. This however led to my developing an attitude of fear and loathing regarding physical exertion in general and exercise specifically.

This alone may not have completely prevented me from engaging in “fun” physical or playground activities. However, my disdain for all things physical was enhanced by my father in two ways. My father is a highly educated and cerebral person who was nonetheless an avid sport participant when he was younger.

As I said he discouraged physical activity in two ways:
1) Many philosophical discussion about how the physical body is not important – this was a popular late 19th early 20th century protestant stoicism position. “The soul is all, the mind for interpretation, and the body for carrying around the other two”.  So I began to consider my body as a mere vessel for my brain.

2) As I said my father was an avid sports participant. He used to take me with him to his basketball games and what not – and make me sit on the side and watch. Talk about boring. There were a few instances he tried to engage with me in sports, but he grew quickly frustrated with my lack of coordination (gangly pre-teen) and lack of stamina (asthma) and did not encourage me to overcome these obstacles.

So disdain, grew to an active dislike and shunning of all things physical. It took me decades to even realize that my attitudes had been so skewed that I had taken to actively neglecting my body and health in general. This of course has led to my being a very large slug. If I take off my shirt I get calls of “Hey Jabba, where’s your hut?”, and If I’m at the beach, “Push it back in before it suffocates!”

Anyway, having effectively eliminated one branch of potential development with early programming. Which takes me from physical to mental.

I was fortunate (or cursed) to have been born relatively intelligent.
I say cursed because I am smart enough to know what I don’t know, but not smart enough to learn it. For example, I found my upper limitation for mathematics at Calculus.

Maybe if I had a better or more engaging teacher I could have learned it, but this was the first time I couldn’t teach myself the subject. Fortunately (at the time back in the dark ages) it wasn’t required for my degree – so I never bothered to retake it. I often wish I had.

I managed to get through a computer systems engineering degree and through law school. Again though, not the sharpest tack. I may achieve competent or even clever, but “brilliant”? Unlikely.

The point being (given the divergence of computer systems engineering and law) I could have chosen to pursue a vast range of other careers:medicine, teaching, accounting, sales, technical work, etc. I could also have become a master mechanic, carpenter, or other skilled tradesman.

It all came down to programming. The encouragement and attitudes I absorbed from my family, my culture, my geography. What skills were praised? What professions were revered? What educational resources were available?

And in the Aftermath of the Bar Exam, what’s next?
I know where I’ve been, but where am I going?

Where have you been, and where are YOU going?

Day Three: It Is Finished…

Well, stick a fork in me, I’m Done.
This afternoon went a bit better than this morning, but I’ll be retaking in February.

The big question! Now what? Back to the miscellany which qualifies as my “life” I suppose.

I suppose I could attempt to re-engage myself with something useful and income producing.
But first I’ll need to cough up this hemlock soup – it doesn’t taste so good…

Day Three: Mid-day

On lunch break right now.

I screwed the essays up this morning royally – complete blanks on some really basic areas of law.

My brain and soul aren’t all here today.

I just want this done.

Day Three: Inevitability

Beginning of Day Three.

The stress has definitely gotten to me. My mind is filled with intrusions from the greater part of life.

My mind is particularly nasty.
It constantly brings to the forefront not just the things I worry about, but most often precisely those things over which I have no control.
I think Ginger’s passing may have triggered more deep seated issues.

I try to be “Zen” about the issues – I realize I have no control and try to let go.
Not working so much. I worry, because it’s part of who I am.

I realize I cannot control the emotions and actions of others.
I can try to influence, but in the end I have to realize that they will do as they will.

I suppose the best I can do is simply prepare for the inevitable phrases:
“I didn’t mean to hurt you…”, “It’s me not you…”,  or whatever.

I suppose I could rationalize away some of my worry by accepting that I cannot predict the future.
The problem is – I can.
No, I’m not clairvoyant.

We can all predict the future in small ways. Most often with human behavior.

Why? Because we have seen it all our lives.
We’ve seen how certain patterns of behavior lead to others.
We often know what someone is going to do before they do themselves.

Why? Because they are caught up in the moment of the doing, they aren’t observing themselves or the effect of their actions on the world around them.

Predictions become more accurate the better you know someone.
You’ve encountered this with friends and family members.
Sometimes you know exactly what they are going to say before they say it.

Sometimes you’ll finish each others sentences. And so on.

Sometimes you’ll know their hates and loves before they admit to them.
It’s telegraphed in body language, vocal inflections, speech patterns…etc.

Patterns of behavior can lead to long term predictions.
I’m not really sure how to best describe this phenomenon.
For example, someone starts to complain about their job.
Sometime later they stop working on work at home, then they start showing up late to work, then taking “mental health” days – and eventually they are either going to quit or get fired. Either way the path to leaving that job was setup and traveled over this course of weeks or months. During this time the individual would affirm their commitment to their job, not admitting that they want out.
As an observer though, you knew where they were heading a long time ago.

They same holds true for any endeavor – especially interpersonal relationships.

Often times you can tell where someone is headed in a relationship long before they admit it to themselves.
Many people have experienced the loss of their SO in bits and pieces, rather than all at once.
That slow reduction in intimacy, the gradual distance in interactions, the casual neglect given to the needs of the relationship, the exhibition of NRE.

Then one day, it’s just gone.
Sometimes the body is still there, but the emotions are somewhere else.

And the worst part, to me anyway, is that you can see it coming.
It’s like having your foot caught in the middle of a railroad track.
You’re stuck, you can see the train coming for miles.
You jump, shout and wave your arms, but  you know that you’re too small for it to notice.

You know that the pain is inevitable, the death is coming.

BUT, you have a choice – you don’t have to wait for the train to hit you, you can take action!
All you have to do is sever your leg, and the rest of you is free.

Sure, you’ll be maimed for life – but you’ll be alive.
You know others have done it, should you?

Can you?

Change is inevitable, one way or another – can you deal?

It’s comforting to know that one can always opt out. Completely.

Day One

So, day one of the bar exam done.

It was both more and less difficult than I thought it would be. The questions are all phrased: Discuss.

Which leaves a wide field of directions for you to take with both content and organization. Add to that the fact that each fact pattern is issue rich. Just loaded with relevant, irrelevant, and intertwined issues.

My main worry is that it seemed too easy. I have to wonder: what major thing did I miss?

Well it’s done. Time for the hot tub.

UPDATE: After I got home I found out that Ginger, our family dog of 19 years, had passed away in her sleep while I was taking the exam. I’m still processing this.